I can’t right now

I have just got off the phone. I have tears in my eyes. No, I haven’t just had bad news. I have just deferred my studies until October. You may wonder why that is such a big deal but let me explain.

I had my son in 2011 and during that time I was doing my A-Levels. I continued them and didn’t do great but ended up with a B in Psychology, D in Maths and an A in AS French. By the time I got pregnant I had already worked out I wanted to go to university and study Psychology. After that I wasn’t sure but hey, I had a plan for the next three years at least. Then came my son and I thought I would have to put my university dreams on hold. Until I found the Open University. Someone had told me about it and I went to an information booth at a local library and by the time I had left I knew what I wanted to do. I got home and signed up straight away. Yes! My plan was still in place to a certain degree. It might take 6 years but I would still get it done. By this time I knew I wanted to become a counsellor and thought a degree might be a good place to start. I even managed to switch a year in to a ‘Psychology with counselling degree’. Then we get to my second year and I find out I’m pregnant again! I manage to scrape through my second year with extensions and an understanding tutor and passing okay. Which gets us to now.

I have had my daughter and had a rough start. I got my first assignments for my two separate modules done with extensions and again understanding tutors. But it only went downhill from there. My depression got worse and finally the doctor diagnosed me with my Post-Natal Depression (PND). It made sense but made me wonder whether I could really cope with everything. However I clung onto my studies as tight as I could and tried and tried to make it work.I thought that without them I’m just a mum. Without my studies I am not a normal 22 year old in any way. Without them I’m just someone scrounging off the government. I saw my studies as a way of actually trying to do something with my life, for myself. Something that was for me, making me a smarter, better person. Writing this I realise how silly this must seem. But for me it isn’t just studying and it isn’t just a degree.

Now I also realise you must be thinking ‘she said she deferred, not cancelled’ but for me in some ways it seems the same. I feel like I’m giving up for now. I can’t cope and that makes me a weaker person. But then there’s that small voice that comes out. Maybe it is okay to say just because I can’t now, doesn’t mean I can’t ever. Just because I can’t juggle everything right now doesn’t mean I can’t take away something and learn to build it up slowly. And then I remind myself how as a sufferer of PND I have to be kind to myself. I can’t always do things I did before. And it’s okay!!! PND is tough in itself. It is better to focus on less now to succeed in those areas and then add things when I’m ready. I may find by deferring that I will do better next year because I have given myself this year to heal a little more and adjust to my life and medication.

So I just want to say to my fellow sufferers. People may say ‘There is no such thing as can’t’ but for me I think it is completely acceptable to say ‘I can’t right now’.

Much love,

LGL x