I don’t really talk about the trauma that caused my PTSD. Partly because it is still highly painful, partly because I am still learning that I should not feel shame and partly because it is about other people too and not just me. There is a risk with blogging that you are shining a spotlight on you but also those around you and I try to minimise attention on those in my life as much as possible. Anyway, I digress.
So around the time of my trauma I began to distance myself from it as much as I could. I tried to be seen as little miss perfect as much as I could but also used to get lost in books and films and music and in any way I could really. I remember back when I was about 20 I used to drink a fair amount with friends on my night off from my son and blur my mind as much as I could. The thing is that during the traumatic times I still had friends but I tried to distance myself because of my self-loathing and my thoughts that they couldn’t possibly like me if even I didn’t. Time after time after time I’ve disconnected from things, memories, people in a way to try and protect myself from possible hurt. Pain was my biggest fear but at the same time I hated this emptiness, this absence of feeling.
Even today I still struggle with this. Sometimes I feel like I am floating along in this bubble all by myself. I struggle to remember what I’ve done even during the day when asked. I forget what day, week, month it is because they all blend into a long trail of disconnected days where I just try and make it through. Stuck between feeling the excruciating emotion or the blank fog of nothingness. But I want this to change. I am sick of this lack of connection with my life, people and myself.
So here I guess is my declaration. I am going to reconnect. It is probably going to be painful. But it is better than the detachment that the fear of pain brings. I want to live, not merely exist. I want to be excited about what a day could bring, not drained as one day fades into another.
And for you reading this set yourself a challenge. What way can you connect more with your life? Whether it is picking back up a hobby you haven’t done in a while or turning off the TV you’re not really watching to do something to enrich your life more. Whatever it is, go do it. Don’t be like me and live life as another dropped connection and missed chance at life.